Honestly! How hard is it????

Paying off a loan should not be all that difficult....I mean, once you have the money that is. Well, Countrywide Home Loans has made it seem as if it is impossible.

Our home burned down on Dec. 27, 2005. Our insurance gave us a check for the amount of the payoff of our mortgage loan with Countrywide. They asked us to send a letter along with the letter to their Simi Valley Property Claims Department stating that we wanted the loan closed out. We had already decided that we didn't want to re-build in the same location so we planned to sell the property.

The payoff amount was 'as of February 10' and we mailed the letter and the check on February 7. We received several calls asking where our February payment was. I explained each time that we no longer HAD a payment, or a loan, or a house for that matter. We assumed it was in the process of being paid of. We were wrong.

After dozens (literally dozens) of calls, I finally got upset and lost it (the first of MANY losses on my part to come) on February 17th. They called twice in one day asking where our February payment was. They started checking and said the check for the payoff amount was there but they didn't know what to do with it. I was really tempted to TELL them what to do with it but instead I told them to PAY OFF THE FLIPPIN' LOAN WITH IT! They said they couldn't do that because the check had to be accompanied by a letter stating that we wanted the loan paid off. I explained to the idiot that we DID send a letter but apparently one of their many inept morons on the payroll there lost it. So, we faxed ANOTHER copy of the letter to the number they gave us. They idiot assured us that it would be taken care of within a couple of days.

A few days later I get more calls wanting to know where our February payment was. PMS week. Not a good time to push my buttons. So, I went ballistic on the second one that called. They searched and said they could find the check that had been posted for the payoff amount and they weren't sure where the letter was but they would look into it.

On February 25, I get another call wanting to know where my February payment...blah, blah blah...I go off on this idiot and explain the whole stupid mess again. This time I demand to talk to a supervisor who can actually tell the difference between their butt and a hole in a tree. I finally get transferred 3 times and end up with someone who assures me she knows her stuff and can sort this all out for me. So, she tells me the reason it hasn't been paid off is because the check for the payoff amount wasn't going to cover everything. She said we owed a total of $495.31 which coincidentally is the same amount as our house payment. I am quite sure they were going to get that February payment no matter what. At this point it was worth it to pay that amount and just be done with the whole mess. I explained that my payment book and all of my records burned up with the house and I usually pay my payments online. She said I could pay that online as well just make sure it is 'added to the principal'. I was so happy this mess was just about over and I was sure this chick knew what was going on. I was wrong AGAIN!

When I tried to pay online, it said my password and account were no longer valid. Apparently, they had partially closed out the loan and no more payments could be made online. I figured if I waited a day or two someone would call asking about that February payment so I just waited. Lo and Behold, a day later I got the call. This time I told them that I couldn't make the payment online and the woman said "no problem! I can take that payment right over the phone and then transfer you to the the payoff department once we complete the transaction." Okay, so I give her my checking account information and she gives me a confirmation number. I seldom actually write those down but knowing what kind of stupidity I am dealing with I go ahead and write it down. She then transfers me to the "Loan Payoff Department" where I am told they cannot close out the loan because the payment I just made.....had to be a certified check sent certified mail. Uh....I DON'T THINK SO! I told her in no uncertain terms that I had a confirmation number which means THEY have my money and I am NOT going to pay them another red cent no matter what they do say or threaten. I told her she could just deal with my attorney because I have had a buttload of this crap. She put me on hold and came back telling me that it was no problem and as soon as the payment was verified through my bank they would close out the loan and within a few days I would receive a "satisfaction of mortgage" letter and we could then sell the property.

So, a week or so later, I get a FedEx document from Countrywide Home Loans. I was relieved becuase this MUST be that letter stating the madness was over. I was SOOOOO WRONG! This time they had sent us a check for $16,000 and some odd amount of dollars. Now, I am not a total idiot and I know how these people work. If I had cashed that check I am certain I would have just opened up a brand new loan with these psychos. No way in hell that is ever gonna happen. There was no explanation, no letter telling what it was for, not even a note on the check saying why it was sent. Needless to say I was on the phone in a matter of seconds trying to find what the heck was going on NOW!

So I get on the phone with Sha-shonda, or Tawanda or LaFawnda or something of that sort. Once again I go through the whole sordid mess and once again I am transferred around and around and around their cast of idiots. I land on some Pakistani Idiot named Herbert. Yeah, right. So, I explain the whole mess to Herbert the Chief Moron and ask him what the heck the check was for. After putting me on hold he comes back and very confidently tells me that the check is to help us get started building the house back. I have never in my life gone off so badly on anybody. I screamed, yelled, cussed, yelled some more and did some threatening. He told me I have to send the check back to them and then they will close out the loan. I told him to send me a stamp and I'll do it. He said (in his thickest Sand Jockey Accent) I cannot send you a stamp. I told him very loudly that due to THEIR STUPIDITY, I WAS SENT A CHECK THAT I DIDN'T ASK FOR, I DIDN'T ORDER, I DIDN'T WANT AND I DIDN'T NEED AND I WAS EXPECTED TO PAY TO SEND IT BACK TO THEM! How is that fair? He said it wasn't fair but if I wanted the loan closed then I would have to send it back. So, I mailed it out on Monday of this week--CERTIFIED MAIL with a vicously nasty letter attached. I copied the check and the letter and if they don't have my loan closed within 10 days I WILL be getting an attorney. I told ole Herbert that from this point on I wanted him to know that HE ALONE will be responsible for my happiness. Not a job he would want if he knew me better. LOL.

After I get confirmation that they received the check I am going to start calling them every single day....specifically I am going to call Herbert, and demand to be reimbursed for the $8.40 it took to send the check back to them.

These losers are going to find out that there are few things on this planet more dangerous than a chubby housewife with time on her hands. Morons!

I HATE WORKER'S COMP CRAP!!!

I swear, it boggles my mind the ways Ohio's Worker's Comp system finds to make my life miserable.

I have been a victim of the Bureau of Worker's Comp since I injured my back on 02/02/02. I was an EMT and was injured lifting a patient on a long back board. I have been treated like a low-life, drug seeking, crack whore since then. Everything I do, everything I say, and probably everything I think is questioned, scrutinized and basically treated as suspicious.

Last week I was called regarding Voc Rehab. To me Vocational Rehabilitation means they will make it so I can return to my job, if that is not possible (and it is NOT according to not only my own doctors but to the doctors from the bureau as well) or they will train me to do another job in a related field. Apparently, that is not the case. When the case worker from Voc Rehab called me, I asked him to explain the program to me because I was not familiar with it at all. He asked what I would be interested in doing since I cannot return to my former position.

I have experience doing on-site medical transcription at the hospital ER I used to work for. I was interested in possibly doing some online transcription. I have been told by a friend that is something I would be very well suited for. She had done this type of work and knows me well enough to know if it would work for me or not. Then, I told him that I also would be interested in a hospital job (part time) working as a patient liaison type person. Someone who goes between the ER/OR and the family keeping everyone comfortable and updated as to what is going on. I also have experience with this from my ER job. He said that although the bureau frowns on self employment (I bet they do! Nobody to pay into Worker's Comp when you work for yourself!) it might be an option if I was really interested. He said the hospital thing sounded good too. He said that what they could do for me was.....

I would be required to go to potential employers 5 days a week. I would see 3 employers a day and keep a record of the meeting. I would meet with a Voc Rehab counselor one day a week and report on my progress. I would receive money for doing this--Living Maintenance money.

I decided to think about it and agreed to meet with him the next week. After thinking about it and discussing it with my husband I decided to not take part in the program. It is totally voluntary on my part and I chose not to do it. I don't have to offer an explanation but I felt I should.

I called the Voc Rehab guy who had called me previously and told him that I didn't feel this program was for me because I am not physically able to get out 5 days a week and look for work. If I was well enough to do that I could just go out and get a job on my own. I told him we have 3 major hospitals in our area and if I hit those the first day...I don't have anywhere to go the next day. I told him that if I decided to pursue the online transcription, then I would be looking online and not in my neighborhood. So, I told him that I was sorry to have wasted his time but that it just doesn't seem to be for me. He said it was no inconvenience and after discussing it with me a little further he said he appreciated me telling him well before we were scheduled to meet so he didn't make the trip to southern Ohio for nothing. We parted quite nicely...or so I thought.

I got on the internet last night and was shocked to find the following letter written by the disgusting jerk who has the nerve to call himself a professional....

"Good Afternoon,
Well, I know in the weekly update, I stated I was meeting with the Injured Worker to complete the IA on Thursday 2/16/06, well she just called me a few minutes ago and stated she and her husband have been talking and they do not feel this is the program for her. She was somewhat short and stated if she was able to go and look for work 5 days a week, she would, she also stated she knows what she wants to do and there are only 3 places she can apply, sounded like a lot of rationalization more than anything. At any rate, I confirmed several times she is not interested in services, once that was done and I was sure she did not want to participate, I discussed her MMI status and the fact she would not receive any Temporary Total Disability Money. She stated she was aware of that and I then told her it was too bad she was not interested as she would be entitled to LM (living maintenance money) during an active plan. Her comment "I'm sure it is not enough money to be worth it", she stated she was only receiving a little over $200.00 every two weeks for TT, when I told her the LM rate, there was dead silence. I then told her that since she was not interested, the file will be closed per her request. So, I bet by now she is really kicking herself. Oh well, at this point I will proceed with the closure next week per her request."


Can you believe that? What right does *HE* have to decide if I made a mistake or not? Incidentally, I was *NOT* short with him and when I said it wasn't worth it we were NOT talking about money. I told him I was not physically able to do ANYTHING outside this house 5 days a week and it isn't worth it for me to attempt to because I suffer terribly when I push myself. It just made him mad that he is not going to make a fortune off of me. I called his supervisor yesterday and told her that now I am more certain than ever that I made the right decision to not participate in this 'voc rehab scam'. This man got paid $147.00 to call me ONCE and write nasty stuff about me. I called my attorney today and they told me if I submit it to them they will file a motion to have something done about it. I doubt anything will come of it but I guarantee with the stink I am going to make in the next few weeks, he will most certainly think twice before he slams someone else on paper again. I told them if he wanted to put it on a post it note and pass it to a friend that was fine, but if he puts it into my official file, I am going to be on it like stink on poop every time. I check my records every couple of days so he need not think he is going to slip ANYTHING past me.

It is just amazing to me that they think they know better what I need than I do. Communist Butt-heads!

Sad News

Well, today we got the official report on my Mother-in-law's cancer. She has breast cancer with mets to the pleural fluid. There is no mass in her lung that can be removed. The cancer cells are growing and multiplying in the fluid around her lungs. This is bad. It is terminal and basically all that can be done now is to keep her as pain free and enjoy her time here as much as possible. There was talk of chemo and other types of treatments but those are really not an option for her because of other health problems. She said she is more interested in quality of life not quantity of days left. The doctor was impressed and said he hoped he would be that way if here were ever in the same situation. I know she will touch many lives with the grace and courage she has shown while facing this. She really is an awesome woman.

Don't get me wrong, we have had our differences. Breaking into this family as an outsider is not easy. It took many years, many arguments and a lot of stomping, screaming and demanding respect because it is darn near impossible to earn it with some of these people. After many years (18 years of marriage and 6 years of dating before that) I now have a wonderful relationship with my MIL and am doing better with my FIL. I have promised my husband I will do the best I can to take care of both of them. Hospice is going to be involved from this point on and I look forward to working with these wonderful people. My EMT training should prove useful again so I am ready to do whatever I need to do. I love her and my goal from this point forward is to make every day she has left the best it can possibly be. She has the most amazing attitude and she has spent the past day and a half encouraging and supporting her family. She will no doubt touch many lives.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. We need them. This is the first parent my husband or I have had to deal with losing. So, it is going to be difficult. Please remember us.

I need a cigarette because I was just "done" by my Insurance Company!!!

This is going to be long but please read it and if you can help me out I would very much appreciate it. I hope and pray y'all don't think I am trash after you read this. This is not something I am proud of or I make a habit of doing but I have been pushed as far as I will allow myself to be pushed.

After the fire destroyed our house and most of our belongings, we were told to 'itemize' everything that was in the house. That was the most horrible task I have ever had to do. Not only did I have to try to remember everything that was in our home but also when I bought it and what I paid for it. To make it a bit easier for myself I did it in Excel on a spreadsheet. I had a specific worksheet for each area of the house (closets, kids rooms, upstairs bathroom, garage, etc.). For 2 straight weeks I called it the "list from hell" and was constantly running to the computer when I remembered something. I spent hours on ebay and other online sites looking up prices of things. I had to call people who gave me gifts and ask how much they cost. Sometimes I just estimated. It was just awful to have to remember everything we lost. I cried when I asked my boys how many sports and academic trophies they had. At the same time they got this shocked look on their faces and said "OH, they're gone!" It broke my heart because I literally go through that same feeling every single day as I remember stuff we lost.

So, I finished the list and sent it to the adjuster. We had $36,000 of insurance on the contents of our home. (That does not include the price of the dwelling itself--that is a whole separate mess we are still dealing with.) We listed $42,000 worth of items thinking even if they depreciated the things we would still get the $36,000. I called and asked if I had to send it to them in any particular format. I told them I did it as a spreadsheet and could print it out like that. They said no need. Just email the spreadsheet as an attachment and we would be good to go. So I did. They wrote back and told me it was fine. They called a week later and told me we would receive a check for $1,200 in a few days. Mark and I both nearly had a stroke. The flippin' idiot whose Dad owns the company told us we only listed like $1,300 worth of stuff. We informed him they obviously only looked at the FIRST PAGE and ignored the other FOURTEEN pages of the document. So, he acted all put out because they had already cut the check. (Did he honestly expect us to say "Gee, you've gone to all that trouble so we'll just forget the other several thousand dollars since you already have the check made out"......HECK NO!) So, he said they would re-check it.

Needless to say, we could use the blasted insurance money. Didn't receive the money for the house or the contents and it has been well over a month since the fire. A little money would be nice anytime now! Not that the jerk gives a rats fat patootie.

So, today they inform us that they have our check. I asked how much. They told us we get a check for $19,000. I just about screamed. He told us that we can get more money--up to the $36,000 we had the contents insured for--but we have to actually replace the items on the list and show a receipt for each item replaced. So, I am screwed. Here is how it works.

For example, I have my Bridal Bouquet (silk) listed as $30.00. I had it stored in a box in my hope chest. I have to go out and BUY another bouquet (like I would do that...honestly....what would that mean to me ever?) and present them with a receipt for one silk bouquet for $30.00. They have de-valued my original bouquet to $15.00. If my receipt is $30.00 or $50.00 or whatever it would cost to replace it (anything above $30), they will give us the other $15.00. Basically, we have to purchase soemthing, show it on the original list we had to make up, show a receipt for the item and then they will give us the difference between what they de-valued the item for and what we ORIGINALLY paid for it. Bottom line is this....they are trying to keep our money.

I called my Mom crying and told her what they were doing to us. Between the two of us we were able to come up with a few things.....I bought a bedroom suite off of a lady and paid $400.00 for it. That will replace a chest of drawers in my house that burned, one of the beds and a dresser. I bought groceries at Wal-mart....I had listed $300.00 worth of groceries in the kitchen that burned up. I show that receipt for $150.00 and they will give me $150.00. They de-valued my groceries to half price. DUH!

Get this, I had a brand new Pillar candle mold. I paid $12.00 for it. Had it for 6 months, never used it and he de-valued it to $6.00. So if I show him a receipt for a mold that says $12.00 (any kind of candle mold) he will give me the other $6.00.

I am usually a totally honest person but I am so enraged at this blatant attempt to keep my money that I am taking receipts (or copies of receipts) from anywhere I can get them.

Now, the big favor....If any of you who sent me supplies would have the receipts (or ANY receipts! LOL) that you would be willing to send to me, I would really appreciate it. These can be 'garage' sale items that you personally sold to me. I am going to lose a lot of money because I listed a lot of soaping and craft supplies that I can't afford to replace right now. Plus, much of the stuff HAS been replaced but they don't care that I have friends who sent me gifts. They just say tough crap...you lose and we get to keep your money. I am not going to replace my cross-stitch, crochet, scrapbooking and assorted other craft stuff because I can't afford to right now. But if anybody has receipts for any of those types of items and would be willing to make a copy of them, it would help me out so much. I know this is probably wrong but it is just so unfair that they are keeping my money. It is designed to keep you from getting all the money you paid in for the insurance because I have until June 25 to get this done. How am I supposed to replace all of my Christmas stuff between NOW and June 25?

Oh, I love this...My wedding dress....which I valued at $300.00 was de-valued to $150.00. If I want the other half of the money, I have to go out and purchase another wedding dress for $300.00 and then they will give me $150.00. What idiot would go out and buy a wedding dress 18 years after they got married? It would mean NOTHING to me.

Instead, I plan to go out and buy my daughter an expensive 'formal' for her prom NEXT year and say that is my new "wedding" dress. I hate to do that, but I am not going to let them just TAKE my money. My kids need their stuff replaced and there are tons of things we need. This is so totally unfair I am not going to take it.

If anybody thinks they can help, I can send you a copy of my itemized list. If you have any receipts for any of the items dated December 27 or later, I can use them. I don't need the original--a copy will be fine. And receipts for ANY bath and body or candle products will work. They just can't have a name on them. Unless you want to make out receipts for the things you sent to me as gifts. I hate being so dishonest but they are forcing me. I don't like asking people to do this but otherwise these creeps are going to KEEP my money.

They de-valued literally everything by at least half. I have already thought of dozens of things I forgot to list but that is just my tough luck....isn't everything lately??? LOL.

Thanks so much for being there for me. Right now this has me so upset my husband and I are barely speaking to each other, I am a nervous wreck and I am fairly sure my head is about to give birth to....something. On top of all that my MIL goes to the doctor on Wednesday and I have found out a little more about her type of cancer. Only 17% of the people with this type of cancer ever make it to the 5 year mark even with radical surgery and treatment. Things are NOT looking good in that situation. I swear, I just don't think I can take much more. Why does God think I am such a strong person...somebody lied to Him! I'm a Wimp! I'm a Wimp!

Love y'all!

Out of the ashes...

Since the fire that destroyed our house, I have come to realize a lot of things. Probably the main thing is....Don't save anything! What I mean is...Never again will a box of 'good' china burn up in my house because it was stored away for a 'special' occasion. Honestly! What is more special than sitting down at the dinner table with my awesome family? I know the answer to that one: NOTHING! I had things stored away, put away and packed away for 'special' occasions. From now on, we are using the GOOD STUFF!!!

Another thing I have learned is that a devastating event like this brings out the worst in people and the best in people. You really learn who your friends are and they're probably not who you think they are!

I lost all of my 'craft' stuff in the fire. That was crochet hooks in every size (at least THREE of every size), thread, fabric and yarn that I crocheted with; Cross Stitch stuff (patterns, Aida fabric, bibs, boxes of misc. Supplies); scrap-booking supplies; basically any type of craft stuff you can think of...I dabbled in it. But most of all, I lost my soaping supplies. I had hundreds of dollars worth of butters, oils, molds, lye, and tons of misc. Supplies. I love making soap, bath salts, body butters, lotions....I love it all. I started making it for myself and then I decided to make it as gifts and make a few items to sell on eBay. I love making these things, I love using them and I love giving them to people that I know will like them. There is just something about giving home-made gifts that makes me happy.

I was fairly certain I would never get to replace those items. There is so much that needs to be done to this house. It is literally falling down around us. There are so many things the kids need. Just tonight we had to go out and buy them new baseball bats, gloves, a ball, and batting gloves. They also wanted a football to throw around the yard when it is warm enough. They lost all of their sports stuff in the fire. We still haven't seen a penny of the blasted insurance money so it is hard to buy al the things we need right now. So, soaping supplies were far down on the list and really, nobody in the family knows how important these things are to me. It is just a 'hobby' to everyone else. To me, it is something tangible that shows I am still a productive person. Since my back injury and being off from work, I feel at times like I am a person without any value. It is better since my back pain has improved. My chiropractor has done wonders with it and at least now I can do a load of dishes and a load of laundry and not be crying in pain afterwards. That is something, but I love making my soaps and having people tell me they are wonderful.

Well, as much as I hated to I had come to accept that I was no longer going to be a soaper. I had made so many friends on the email lists I am on. I love my soaping lists. When I tell my family something funny that was said on the lists I always refer to the people on there as my "soapy friends". My dh and kids have come to accept this as just a normal way of referring to my friends.

I expressed to a couple of the lists and to a couple of friends online that I would still like to be part of the lists even though I wouldn't be making products anymore at least for a long while. I asked them to pray for me because I had some bitter feelings from the circumstances around the fire. What happened next positively blew me away. Never did I even imagine the reaction those emails got.

Within literally minutes of posting my requests for prayer, these precious "Soapy Saints" started working to send me things. I don't mean one or two...Literally box after box started pouring in by the middle of the next week. They wrote and asked what type of soaps I made (I do CP and a little bit of MP) and they sent me FIVE beautiful wooden soap molds; I received lye, candle wax, wicks and molds, I received preservatives, butters, oils, loofah seeds (Oh, I can't wait until spring to plant those!), tea lite cups and wicks, bath poufs, rose petals for dipping in several different colors; embed molds, spray bottles, a soap stamp, beeswax, cranberry seeds, herbs, tea bags, bunches of silica gel and similar products. There was deer tallow from a sweet lady in New York, there were plastic soap molds, exotic teas (Love those RJ!), lip gloss tubes and pots, clays and all sorts of cool additives for soaps and other products, there were menthol crystals (I needed those so badly because I use those in my pain cream for my back. All of mine burned up and I need to make some more. There were all types of bags and containers. I love muslin bags and got some of those. I bet I have more pipettes now that most suppliers do! LOL. I use a lot of those so I am really glad. There were all kinds of oxides and micas and other colorants. I can't wait to try them! One sweet lady got online and looked up a candle supply place close to where I live and had a gift certificate waiting there for me. I cried my way all through that shop. Those people thought I was nuts but I was so touched that someone cared that much for *ME* that they would go through all that trouble. Shyra of the Aromatic Mills sent me a gift certificate to her site and Lea Burnside of Almost Heaven (who is only about an hour and a half from me) sent me a gift certificate to her site as well. How incredibly sweet of them! I had products sent to me directly from Bittercreek. A friend on one of my lists sent me an Escali Scale. I was all ready to make soap and realized I didn't have a stick blender. I went to my mailbox and there was an envelope with no return address. Inside, wrapped in a piece of decorative paper was a $20.00 bill. I bought a stick blender with that. What a lovely anonymous gift! That is a truly giving spirit!

And fragrances. I was sick that I lost all 50-60 fragrances I had accumulated. When someone wanted something specific I just had to find the right bottle. Well, the soaping community has seen that I have received a HUGE variety of fragrances. I have bottles of Lavender (which I am using every day in stuff for myself!), there are fragrances I always wanted to try but never seemed to have the money for, fruity ones, floral ones, food type fragrances and some just plain interesting ones. I have essential oils of all types. I was thinking about making products and what I would make and I realized I have nearly as many different scents as I had before. I have very nice quality fragrances. Soapers don't send you crap they don't want....These people sent me the BEST of what they had.

I didn't cry the first week after the fire. I was fairly numb. If I did start to feel something, I popped a Xanax and took a nap. Some people turn to alcohol, some turn to drugs....I turn to naps...sometimes drug induced naps....but I escape through sleep. One day, the second week I got a box from "Columbus Foods" and opened it...It was a case of oils. It had Palm Oil, Coconut Oil, bunches of Olive Oil...The man didn't even know me but he sent me a huge box of soaping oils. I was just amazed.

The boxes continue to come in. Just when I think I have received all I am going to, I organize the items, label and box them up and stack them on my sunporch until I need them, in rolls another bunch of stuff. I still cry when I get them. It touches me so deeply that anybody would care that much for someone they don't even know.

I actually asked my husband if there was something about me that made people dislike me once they got to know me. He asked what I was getting at and I told him that the people who live around here have acted like nothing even happened. Our church gave us some money after a few weeks. I felt like they didn't even care at first but they were just a little slow in showing it. A couple of other churches have given us money and several individuals have, but my 'friends' have all but ignored me. My cousin whom I love like a sister has been wonderful and my dear friend who just lost her mother a couple of months ago sent me a big bag of clothes and purses...but for the most part the people I see at ball practices and school events....the people I would go out of my way to help if they needed it...haven't so much as said "Hate that for ya" but the people I talk to on the computer....have shown more love than anybody toward me. I am just amazed.

I vow from this moment on that if there is ever anything I can do to help any of these people, I will do it. I have learned who my 'real' friends are. To the people like my neighbor who waited 4 weeks to even speak to me and then asked for a favor...2 big ole butt cheeks...NO WAITING!

You soapy friends of mine have a permanent place in my heart. I love you all like family and I am always here for you!

BIG HUGS!
Angela

Oh, the Hits Just Keep On Coming

Oh my. I honestly don't think I can handle much more. First the fire and the ugliness associated with that, then a week ago Saturday my Dad had to be taken to the hospital for a possible heart attack. Thank God it was not, but he does have a blockage they are watching. Hopefully it will not require surgery. He has a fairly extensive cardiac history.

My Mother-in-law has also had a rough medical history lately. She was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. She wanted to have the whole breast removed but the surgeon said it wasn't necessary. The doctor said there is no difference in a lumpectomy and a mastectomy as far as survival rates are concerned. So, she had the lump removed. She went back and had to have her lymph nodes removed a few weeks later. She began chemotherapy and had a terrible time with that. She has a pre-existing lung disease (Hystoplasmosis) that is a type of fungus that grows in her lungs. It has never caused her any problems but they were aware it was there. Apparently, the chemo 'activated' it and she ended up in the hospital twice with 'pneumonia-like' symptoms before they finally decided to discontinue the chemo. She went on to have radiation and it further weakened her and caused more lung problems. She had to discontinue that as well. She seemed to be getting better and was starting to get back to 'her old self'. My Father-in-Law was having his own problems. He has more things wrong with his back than any one person should have to deal with.

So, this past November, 'Mom' has a mammogram and the cancer was back. This time the whole breast was going to have to be removed. They decided to do it after the holidays. Then, a week before Christmas they were heading to Sunday School and hit a patch of ice with their truck. It skidded off a bridge, rolled over, spun around and landed in a deep creek. The 'cab' end of the truck was on the bank. Had it been turned the other way they would have both died. My MIL didn't have her seat belt on and had to be cut out. She had hit the roof and fell into the space behind the seats. She ended up with a broken rib and my FIL had a fracture to his back. Just what they both did NOT need.

So after some recuperation, MIL had her breast removed on the 9th of January. She is the toughest person I have ever met in my life. She has the highest tolerance for pain I have ever seen and I am an EMT and have 'seen it all'. She is quite amazing. So, she comes home the day after her surgery and she is up fixing coffee for her visitors and acting like she was fine. However, a week later she was suddenly sleeping all day (she seldom naps) and feeling bad. When she admits she feels bad....She is very sick.

So, my Dad gets home from the hospital on Sunday evening. Monday morning comes and we had heavy rains and lots of flash flooding. The school was on a 2 hour delay with a chance of cancellation. My FIL called at 6:30 a.m. just as Mark (dh) was about to leave for work. Dad tells us that he is going to have to take Mom to the hospital because she is having difficulty breathing.
Dad doesn't drive well on dry roads in daylight. There was no way we were going to allow him to take off with her that sick in the rain before daylight. So, Mark takes them. They get there and she is in Atrial Fibrillation. That is bad! They gave her medication to stabilize her blood pressure and to get a normal sinus rhythm again and they do a million tests. They say she had pneumonia in her right lung and a ton of fluid on her lung and around her heart. The next day the drained 2 and a half quarts. THAT IS QUARTS of fluid off her right lung. Of course she felt much better after that but they had to find the cause.

They let her come home on Thursday evening. We got a call from my FIL saying "we'd like you both to come down here, we need to talk, but we'd rather you not bring the children". That is NEVER a good thing. So we go down there and Mark's sister is crying and her husband is hiding in the kitchen. I already had it figured out.

Turns out she has cancer in the lining of her lung. Had the breast been removed when she wanted, this might not have happened but it did so we have to deal with it. She told us she had no intention of going through more chemo. She said she won't give up but she won't seek treatment after treatment searching for a way to live longer if it isn't a decent quality of life. She asked us to pray that if she isn't going to be well enough to enjoy her family, then she asks that the Lord just take her. She is secure in her Salvation and has no fear of death. Needless to say her husband is is shock and her kids are falling apart. I have some medical background (very little, but a little is better than none I suppose). So I am sure I will be the one who ends up taking care of her. She took care of here MIL until her death right in this living room and she (Mark's Grandmother) took care of HER MIL also right in this house until she died. So, I can very well see my place in the Holderby family. I accept that and will do my very best.

At least this latest hit has given meaning to the fire. I had to break the news to my children--that was a heartbreaking task I would rather anybody else do but knew I had t0. My 15 year old daughter came over and sat on my lap. Can't remember the last time she did that. My 10 year old son curled up in a ball with his 2 middle fingers in his mouth like he did when he was a baby and my middle one, Joshua (12) sat at my feet and begged me "Don't say it Mommy, Don't say it!" He thought she had passed away already. I told them it was okay to cry and be upset, it was okay to pray for God to heal her because He already knows that is what we want, but that we must pray for his Will to be done and that we will accept that. After a few minutes, we prayed together (Mark was still down with his parents at their house) and then they were okay. We are very open and honest with them. They are smart children and they can see through lies. I never believed in lying to kids anyway. What kind of example is that? So, after I finished making supper we sat down to eat and I told my oldest son who didn't want to move here in the first place...."Now can you see why God wanted us in this house so close to Nan-Nan and Paw? And can you see that even that nasty fire was a good thing? If that house hadn't burned down we would have spent the next several months getting it ready to sell and now we are free to spend that time with Nan-Nan and Paw." He understood and I am relieved to be able to put meaning to such an ugly event.

Please pray for us as we deal with this. My husband told me he was 'proud' of me for how I was handling this. Honestly, what choice do we have? We have to deal with whatever comes our way. No other options. You deal with it or you deal with it. Nobody wants to deal with death and ugliness and nasty people....But you do what you have to. You just have to decide if you're gonna do it with grace or if you're gonna have a bad attitude. Sometimes I choose the latter but I am striving to go with grace.

The Fire

I decided to start blogging so those who want to know what is going on with us can keep up and those who don't want an email the length of "War and Peace" don't have to be subjected to this stuff.

For those who don't know the whole story of our fire. Here is what happened. I feel like this is more therapy for me than an actual update. I just need to put it into writing once and be done with it. It is time for me to 'get over it' and move on.

Last year my husband Mark and I purchased the 'family farm'. His 94 year old grandfather passed away and his dying wish was that someone would purchase the farm and keep it in the family. We prayed about it and both just felt it was 'right' because his aging parents own the adjoining farm and we would be close enough to help them out. They are both battling cancer and have reached that point that happens sometimes where they don't make good medical decisions. Funny thing is, this family fought me tooth and nail when I wanted to become an EMT because that was just not 'feminine' enough (oh, but hand me a pitch fork and a pile of cow poopy and THAT is acceptable! LOL) but now, my medical training is paying off BIG TIME. So, we had to go through a ton of red tape to get a home equity loan on our home to buy the farm. It worked out so we figured that was what was meant to be.

In October we moved a few things and started staying at the farm most of the time. It is about a mile away on the next ridge from our home. The home we were leaving was a beautiful glass-front 2 story A-frame. Everyone except family thought we were nuts because the farm house, to put it very kindly, is a real fixer-upper. But let me tell y'all it has character. This house was built well over a hundred years ago and started out as the Parsonage for a church not far from here (which ironically was burned down by arsonists several years ago). My husbands family has lived here for about 75 years. Generations of this family have been born and quite a few have died right here in this house. My son was afraid it would be 'creepy' to live here and only now will I admit I wondered about that too....but it isn't. I feel the love and protection of generations of Holderbys in every room. Our first night here was October 10th....my and Mark's 18th anniversary. We felt at home from that moment.

Because I have a serious back injury that very much limits my activities, we would bring a small box or two of things from the A-frame every couple of days. I baby-sit for Mark's cousins little newborn baby (5 months now and the love of my life!) and while she napped I would put away a few things. This is a MUCH smaller house so we brought things we really needed and figured after Christmas we would either rent a storage unit or possibly store the majority of our things in the garage and barn here (HUGE barn, no leaks....I could live in that barn!). So, Mark and I slept on an old bed that Granddad had been sleeping on, we brought the kids' beds and a few pots, pans, dishes, a TV and the couch and love seat. It was sparse but we thought that would make Christmas a little easier. To go from a huge home to a tiny one takes some planning. We were at the A-frame literally every day, anytime we needed a pair of shoes or a jacket that was over there, we'd take a 5 minute trip and bring it back. That is why nearly everything we owned was over there and not here even though this is where we were staying. I hadn't brought my wedding dress, my huge cherry hope chest full of wedding china and stuff, my baby books, wedding albums, wedding and birth videos and literally every picture I had ever taken of my children. If I had only known that last trip would have been my last trip I would have grabbed things more precious to me than a darn dress and shoes. Sigh.

So, Dec. 27 at 4:12 a.m. my neighbor of 18 years calls and yells "ANGI, THE HOUSE IS ON 'FAR'! CALL THE 'FAR' DEPARTMENT!!!" My brain was screaming "get the kids out" when I woke up enough to realize who it was and which house it was. I said "The A-Frame?" and she said "YES! CALL THE 'FAR' DEPARTMENT NOW!" Every single person I tell that to immediately says "Why didn't she call the 'far' department and THEN call you?" Your guess is as good as mine.

So, I quickly call 9-1-1 while my husband was getting dressed and trying to get his contacts in. He can't see further than 6 inches without them. Fortunately, I got a dispatcher who was a paramedic I used to work with. I told him what was going on and he said he would take care of it. I had on jammies and just had to grab shoes. I was out the door and almost out to the barn where we keep the truck when I looked up and saw the fire. My huge 30 foot A-Frame had already burned completely to the ground. The flames were still huge but you could tell the whole house was gone. I walked back into the house and said "Don't bother hurrying. It's gone". My children (Kelley is 15, Joshua is 12 and Caleb is 10) ran outside to look. They came back in silently and Mark and I ran out the door. As we headed up the hill to the house I touched Mark on the arm and said "Our children are safe and sound in the house back there...nothing up here matters." He agreed and we headed to the top of the hill.

I wasn't completely surprised at the devastation. I knew it was gone. I was TOTALLY shocked that this huge house had burned to the ground and not a soul was here. No curious on-lookers. No Welfare Trash that lives all over the place coming by to watch someone's world come to an end. No neighbors to offer any kind of comfort or support. Nobody. Nothing.

I jumped out of the truck before it was even stopped and just ran toward the fire. My husband screamed at me to stop. The propane tank was shooting flames 12 feet straight into the air but had not yet exploded. It apparently has a top that pops off and lets the gas burn off. It sounded literally like a jet engine. I pointed to our storage building and told my husband to go look and tell me if anything was missing. He turned from it and said "the mower is gone." At that moment I knew this was not an 'accident'. We had water, electricity, propane gas for heat (kept the heat turned to 55 degrees) and our heater was only a few years old and functioning perfectly. No fire in the fireplace, nothing that should have caused a fire. Accidents happen, but this was not an accident.

We stood in the yard holding each other and prayed. I think we both felt a bit of "comfort" from being able to do that. It gave us a measure of peace.

When I was 3 years old our home burned down while my Mother and I were home. I remember sitting and watching my Mom run inside over and over again to get our winter coats and to try to save our pet bird. I was so scared she was going to die. I could see the walls falling on the other end of the house and to this day it terrifies me that my Mom was inside there. The fire department couldn't have the trucks outside the village so they came in their cars and watched my Mom. They even offered her some advice..."Close those windows and it will burn slower." A fire department from a neighboring city came but it was too late. Everything was gone. The house was a total loss.

As I sat watching another home of mine burn to the ground....I thought of my kids. I told my husband to go home and tell the kids the house is gone but we are all okay and that is all that matters. I told him to stop and tell his parents what was happening before some idiot picks up the phone and calls and scares one of them into a heart attack. The fire department wasn't there yet and I hadn't even grabbed a jacket. It was cold but I felt nothing. Mark said...."I hate to leave you here alone. Are you gonna be warm enough?" I turned to him, gestured toward the house and said...."Really? I have a big fire here. If I get cold I'll just scoot a little closer to the house." He left with a look on his face like "uh oh, Angi's gone bye bye." But that is how I deal with things. If there is no humor to be found...then I am truly frightened. Everyone who knows me well knows that...and he did too. He just handles things very differently than I do. We work well together. LOL.

As I stood there in the yard totally alone, I turned to look up the driveway where the neighbor who called was. They were maybe 500 feet from where I was standing. They were standing in their glass sliding doorway. They turned their lights off when I turned and looked toward their house. From that point on we assumed they went back to bed. Not...."can I offer you a blanket?"...."a jacket?"...."would you like to wait up here where it is warm while I put on a pot of coffee?" No. They turned off their lights and either watched in the dark or went back to bed.

The only person I had anything at all in common with up on that hill was their daughter-in-law. She has boys a year younger than each of mine. She lives in a double wide just around a curve from my A-frame. She has lived there for 14 years and though we were never best friends, I thought we were friends. I have a cousin who teaches at our elementary school. Any time there is a delay or cancellation due to weather, he calls and tells me so I don't have to wait for it to get to the TV or radio news. For the past 6 years I have always called her immediately when he calls me so she can know early too. We were just good friends I thought.

While waiting for the fire department, the wind shifted and smoke blew in my face. I started hacking and soon was having a full-fledged asthma attack. By the time the firemen came I was on my hands and knees unable to stop coughing and gagging. One of the neighbors from a half a mile away at the bottom of the hill came up and told her son to go get me a jacket and an inhaler from their trailer. About that time the EMS squad I worked for arrived and my husband was back with a jacket for me. BUT, that is how a neighbor is SUPPOSED to act. After a quick breathing treatment and some oxygen I was better. This same neighbor drove me back to the farm house. Still hadn't seen or heard from any of our "close" neighbors.

Once the fire department got there, they basically put out the perimeter and squirted some water down into the hole that used to be the basement and that was it. It was totally gone. They asked what happened and I told them what I knew and that I wanted the authorities to be involved. They called the sheriff who notified the Fire Marshall. Unfortunately, the fire had burned so hot that there was literally nothing left. I mean even the glass melted and burned. No metal pipes. They not only melted, they burned away. The rocks and cinder blocks were literally exploding from the heat. We couldn't go near it for several hours because the rocks kept popping and flying apart. The official report was that it was a fire of 'unknown origin'.

The next day, the same neighbor who had called and told us the house was on "Far", called to make sure we knew he wanted first opportunity to buy 'that piece of property' when we sold it. He said not to let anybody else know. He wouldn't wanna drive the price up or anything like that.

All I have to say is, it is a darn good thing my preacher husband answered the phone because I am afraid that would have been the straw that broke THIS camel's back. Afterward I informed my husband that these people would get 'that piece of property' over my dead body. How dare ANYBODY refer to the place where we lived and raised our children for years as a 'piece of property'. The day before it had been my home. That offended me to no end.

So, four weeks passed by and last night the daughter-in-law FINALLY called me. I figured she was wanting to know what we were going to do with the 'piece of property'. But "elephantine gonads" took on a whole new meaning. She said hello and without even asking how we were, if we needed anything or were my children doing okay....she says, "Do you have any Pulmicort?" Both of her sons as well as both of mine have asthma and allergies. We have had a breathing machine since Caleb was 5 and was in the hospital with pneumonia. We use it often and had brought it up here because Mark's Mom was very ill and needed breathing treatments. This girl had regular medications for it but Pulmicort is an inhaled steroid that you use when they get really sick. Apparently, her youngest son was sick and needed the stronger stuff. After going a whole month without even asking about me, calling me, sending me an email or a card....she has the nerve to call me when she needs something. I said, "Well, Dawn, all of our medications burned up with our house. Did ya notice our house burned to the ground?" She told how her MIL had called her and told her not to try to come down the road our direction that day because the road was blocked with fire trucks. She said that fortunately she was off that day and didn't need to go anywhere. I am sure glad she was off. I would hate for someone to have been inconvenienced by my house fire. Sheesh! I told her I really had expected to hear from her sooner and she went into this big long explanation about how busy she has been. I said, "Yeah, I've been busy too. Sorry I can't help you." I doubt I will hear from her again. Thank goodness for Caller ID. I'll certainly not answer the phone again if she calls.

Despite the way all this happened and the nasty way our 'neighbors' treated us....I have discovered caring people that I had no idea even knew of me. That will be the subject of my next blog entry.